Ok folks, it’s time to get serious for a second.
I’ve never had so much trouble expressing something before. I’m a verbose person. I spend large parts of my life writing, or trying to speak eloquently, or playing with the word order of sentences I hear just for fun. Finding words isn’t usually hard for me, because thank god for the thesaurus.
So here I am, sitting down to try and express how much you mean to me. You, this man I have had the honor of actually laying eyes on exactly once. All I can pull up are emotions. My chest aches when I think of how hard you work, and how often you feel alone. I am inexplicably happy when I see you happy. I am awed and filled with respect when I think about how dedicated you are to your art, and how polite and respectful you are to every person you meet. I swell with love and admiration when I think of you, Yunho.
But there’s this other emotion. There’s this bittersweet pulsing Emotion that radiates from the core of my body when I think of all that is you. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s a blend of all the emotions I get when I think about the different aspects of you. Maybe it’s just how love feels: wonderful, but terribly, terribly sad. But none of the explanations I’ve thought of click just right. Some of them make sense for part of The Emotion, but none encompass it.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what exactly made me burst into tears at SM Town. I had been fine the entire concert. I screamed for Leeteuk and the rest of Super Junior, and I laughed my ass off at how SHINee was acting like they were on drugs. Then you and Changmin came onstage and I lost it. Something welled up inside of me, some emotion that I can’t name but is desperately important to me. That same Emotion. I think maybe it’s partly the complete dedication I feel towards you. I’ve never even met you, but I’d do anything you ask. Maybe that’s unhealthy, but who wouldn’t do the same for someone who’s changed their life so completely and for the better?
Please take care of yourself, Yunho. You work too hard. I’ve never wanted to take care of someone so badly in my life before, and I’ve practically got a hero complex. I just want you to be ok. I want you to be happy. All of Cassiopeia does, actually. We all love you. You doubted once if we did, but how could we have ever left someone with a heart as pure as yours alone? You’re a fool, Yunho. You frustrate me to no end. You over work yourself, and you forget to take care of yourself because you’re taking care of everyone else. But, it’s because of this pure heart of yours that we love you.
So yeah, we’ll stay by your side. We’ll stand by your side through every thing, trying to protect and help you as best we can. How could we let someone who cares so much about everyone he meets be harmed? It would a crime to let that pure heart be tainted.
So, to directly address how much you mean to me.
You mean everything, Yunho. I’ll openly admit I’ve created an image of you that probably isn’t real. But, there is truth in every imagining.
To me, you mean pure happiness, and you mean heartache. You mean reminding myself to work harder, and to be polite and respectful to everyone, and that I should keep my temper and give people the benefit of the doubt.
I adore you because you’re not perfect. It’s ok to cry, Yunho. Lord knows I’ve cried over you before, even outside SM Town and the cathartic release of proving to myself you really existed. It’s ok not to be the stoic leader all the time, and let people take care of you.
I hold you in the highest respect. Through all the trials you’ve been through, from an anti-fan poisoning you (and you forgave her), to having SM mistreat you, to having three of your best friends split from the band you swore to keep together, you’ve held your head high. You work harder than anyone I know, and still you maintain a sense of humility and humor, and you’re always so polite and warm and giving. You give, and you give, and you give, and fucking hell do I respect that.
I could go on for days about how much I respect you, how much you mean to me, and how beautiful you are. But for now, I’ll leave it at this.
Happy birthday, Jung Yunho. I hope today and the rest of this year is the best you’ve ever had, because you deserve it.